going back to work

I am now officially back at work, transitioning with like a two-week parttime schedule, which I definitely need. Going back to the office after being a full-time stay-at-home mom for a few months is a shock to the system and has brought on a variety of feelings, some of which have led to tears in inappropriate public places. (So awesome.)

We’ve settled on day care in lieu of the NYC-favored nanny, in part due to cost, in part due to parenting philosophy. The place we found has us paying through the nose, but in return, I think the baby will actually have fun and learn whatever it is that babies learn. Of all of us, I think he’ll adjust the best; it’s the rest of us who are mourning the end of a time where we’re with him 24/7 and get to see him burp, caw, and eat his fingers. On the plus side, now that I’m back at work, I like being able to eat, use the bathroom, and form complete sentences. On the negative side, there are these feelings of loss, guilt, regret, doubt. Like why bother having a baby if you don’t get to hold it like a football when you feel like it?

What I think about the situation seems to change every day…or hour by hour. Not working isn’t financially an option, and honestly? We need the freaking help. Even on the days I am able to stay at home with the baby, we need the freaking help. When I am home with the baby, I’m beginning to notice it’s not this idyllic time of cooing and singing I picture when I’m at the office, because I’m hustling the entire time. Some moments, trying to calm a distraught baby feels like detonating a bomb. Forget about getting to the dishes, recycling, emptying the diaper pail, which gives off an odor that’s like a destroyer of dreams. Staying at home is not an easy job and in an odd way, makes the baby just another task than this adorable blob I get to hang with. I’m hoping with this time in the office and missing him so much, I will end up spending more QT with him rather than focus on how to keep him occupied so I can get to taxes. Who knows, because truthfully, neither choice is easy, and I’ll probably change my mind tomorrow.

5 Replies to “going back to work”

  1. It sounds like you feel the same way I do/did about it. Even though I felt like I was missing/forgetting something when I was at work, it was a relief to just be responsible for me for a few hours.

  2. yeah, i think that’s how i feel. i seem to feel something different every day. i want to spend time with the kid, and yet, i need to get stuff done. i have no idea how people do it. and staying at home is a TOUGH job. my office gig, in comparison, is like going to a spa…okay, slight exaggeration, but you know what i mean. you’re not in detonating-bomb-mode every second there

  3. Aww, the monster who made us come up with inane marketing ideas is no longer around. Now I just work undisturbed in my cave for 8 hours a day.
    Will and I have noticed that, ironically, we have less patience when we’ve been away from the kid all day. Because it takes some time to get back in the mode of dealing with an irrational little person. But I guess that depends on your work environment.

  4. yeah, we’ll see what happens when my kid gets older and cries tragically over not having any oreos for breakfast. right now? he’s the most mature, serene person i deal with in general

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