IT disease

images2.jpg It’s stupid of me to post anything negative about IT people, since so far, this web site is like the only one I can actually get to without seeing the words in gigantic blue letters ACCESS BLOCKED!!!! But let me make a small point while I can. Having worked with a variety of IT people over the years, there is something called IT disease — where the IT person is convinced they are utterly the smartest people in the room and are so rigid/inflexible, new ideas shut their systems down. For example, we once had a discussion about possibly purchasing a Mac for a staff designer. Macs are designed for designers. As a co-worker says, any designer worth their salt prefers Macs. Upon hearing our request, the head of the meeting began to melt and started screaming “the only reason why designers use MACs is because they are too lazy to learn how to use a PC!” which signaled to us that the conversation was no longer productive.

Let me just say that this is not maybe the most productive approach to working with others. Oh, and ALL designers must be lazy because they all use Macs. That makes a lot of sense. Just saying.

the church of Oprah

images1.jpg I don’t have an organized theory about Oprah, just that she wants to rule and wants us to worship her and will be pretty nice to her if we play nice. And I’m not saying that this is a bad thing. I mean, you can go on Oprah and win a Chevrolet. That’s pretty cool. She can say which books do well, which movies tanks, maybe who will be president, and all that jazz, but I’m most intrigued by the more spiritual, more woo-woo side of her that has come out of her empire. Like there’s Dr. Phil, whom I’ve never listened to but I understand Howard Stern considers him a mortal enemy — but he’s hired to perform a fairly intimate duty of couseling on love lives. And then there’s a plethora of columnists on her web sites on eating well, striving to be your best, how to beat the blues, which I’m like, why Oprah? And maybe, if I were being really cynical, it’s b/c that’s like the best way to dominate a people is to get a hold of their spirit and their beliefs. If I’m being positive, I’d say she’s just trying to lessen people’s misery and that in itself is not a bad thing. And hell, I’d take Oprah’s advice. Just look at her. She looks like the goddess of corn or something in every photo.

Control in itself doesn’t flip me out. After all, it’s not like she’s preaching have kids, drop out of high school, do drugs, show the paparazzi your intimates, etc. But it just, I guess, I just find it interesting.

And my other random thought is that I think Madonna wants to be Oprah. After the acting thing bombed several times, with her whole Kabbalah/children’s book series, I think she’s going to go for spiritual domination, so look out for her talk show.

crying at the movies

unleashed.jpgjuno.jpg…is one of my all-time activities. I love getting swept up into a story and enjoy being moved by whatever pain/coming of age moment the character experiences b/c IT’S NOT MY LIFE. My friend Becca was surprised that I didn’t get weepy at the ending of “Juno” (great script; a bit too stylized dialogue-wise at first for my taste, but then has really cool plot treatments and terrific characters), which is understandable as I’m known to tear up at commericals.

I experienced body-wracking sobs during “Dancer in the Dark” (Actually, that story was excruciating and me and my friend Joslyn were like wrecks after that film. That was too much and not a fun “cry at the movies” situation.) I cried when Michelle Kwan lost the gold medal on TV, I cried during “The Nutty Professor” when skinny Eddie Murphy makes fun of fat Eddie Murphy (very meta), and I cried at the ending of Jet Li’s “Unleashed.”

The ending of “Unleashed” is where this killing machine (Jet Li) flashes back to a time when he was happy as a kid with his mom b/c his friend plays the Mozart piece she used to play, and his character is very moved, and the movie is very cheesy. I saw it movie with my friend Alex J. and other fellas, and when we exited the theater, he was like “well, that was stupid!” “Oh yeah, pretty stupid,” I said, trying to smile through the fact that I was overclempt. So why Jet Li and not Juno? Dude, not a clue.

And as an aside, is it me? Or does the 2/3 Times Square platform consistently smell like barf?

CVS

images.jpg Oh god, I’m addicted to CVS. There’s no way around it. They send me coupons, and I keep going back to spend the $20 to save the $4 for stuff I don’t need. My home has a stock pile of toilet paper, but so does my office. If I ever get snowed in, I have like four months’ worth of almonds, cotton balls, night creme, and floor cleaner. Ay caramba I am exactly like my mother. YAY

Taking Mama to MOMA (eau de urine)

moma_building_amcrmar07_271.jpg Sometimes, on days like today, when there are weird body smells on the subway, I wonder how much longer I will live here in good ol’ NYC and why on earth I got my folks to move here. For example, a girl puked into her sandwich bag and lap on the F to MOMA today, which inspired Mom to tell me a series of commuting stories, like how she sat next to a woman who had actually peed. Or the time she sat next to a homeless man without realizing it until a particular odor reached her nose, but by then, she didn’t want to leave for fear of hurting his feelings. And this is just way up there in guilt-daughter moments, topped only by the day I found out their building is owned by the Mob (don’t mention it around them. They don’t know.)

But enough about regret. Let’s put all those malodorous memories aside — I still like having easy access to the old people, b/c they make me laugh. Dad emerged from his apartment with ski hat, sunglasses, backpack on, to the sound of Clint Eastwood’s “Pale Rider” theme song from his computer and told me flatly he was not interested in museum hopping.

At MOMA, Mom and I braved the crowds of Europeans to check out the art. They have those freebie self-guided audio tours that you just place against your ear in front of corresponding art work. We wandered through Lucian Freud and got to etchings of his daughter “Bella,” Mom leaned over as if to whisper and shouted “she’s so ugly”…which caused me to convulse since everyone else was library-quiet. I made her go into the contemporary art gallery with me, which she said looked like bed sheets (it was kinda dull).

So that’s all. Over xmas, my husband and I observed that the parents are getting older and quirkier, and that still seems to be true.

chocolate is not the answer

images6.jpg There’s a bin of chocolate on my desk, literally a bin, from some vendor who is trying to butter me up, and I keep reaching for the stuff (and it’s not even “healthy” chocolate, but like cheap, milk chocolate Hershey’s stuff which you know probably never leaves your intestinal system) because I’m wondering how to do stop being so out-of-control bored at work? and what should I do with my life? But it’s not answering either question for me.

Okay, I have removed the bin of chocolate and given it to the receptionist. how’s that for superhuman will power.

This holiday thought

I went to Niketown b/c of my husband’s xmas request and I just want you to know, paying full retail price is BS and it makes me cranky. Bah humburg

Southern White Christians, the last group you can fun of

tina_fey.jpg Or so says this guy I met at lunch at work.

“They’re the last group of people you can make fun of!” he says “The rednecks!”

Then he went on to make a bad redneck joke. See, yes, I’m sensitive about all this stuff, so I don’t think you can make fun of Southern White Christians (never mind the fact that I doubly can’t b/c they are now my in-laws), but my biggest beef with these jokes? They’re not friggin funny.

My husband says a lot of comedy is based on lowering the status, usually someone else’s, and I feel like, as writers, maybe we should try a little harder then. It’s not that I’m pro-PC blandness when it comes to ethnic/demographic groups; I just need believeable characters and some dang funny jokes. Make me laugh damn it!

For example, let’s take Tina Fey. She’s done good and bad race jokes.

Bad Tina Fey: On SNL weekend update, she had a schtick about how this Chinese person in China couldn’t find his house b/c everyone looked alike. I thought 1) wow, you’re really not as liberal as we’re supposed to think you are 2) that’s kinda racist but MOSTLY I thought 3) You’re friggin lazy!!!! What is this, the 1950s? Am I destined to hear jokes from Dean Martin’s era forever?

Good Tina Fey: Recent “30 Rock” had her Middle Eastern neighbor seem like a terrorist, playing on all her sneaking paranoid feels. She calls Homeland Security, but then later finds out, he was just training for “Amazing Race.”

Okay? Got it? Racism = Bad Jokes. Subtle, social satire on racial relations = Good Jokes.

That’s all. I’m so sick thinking about all this stupid stuff. What is comes down to–just give me a good friggin part already.