There are times in an actor’s life when you go to an audition and everything falls into place. You are so right for a part that casting almost feels like destiny.

This is not that kind of audition story. Yesterday, I went in for a diversity training video for the finance industry that takes place in London. The conceit was about subtle forms of discrimination – an Asian who grew up in London gets promoted over her more qualified counterparts who are fluent in Mandarin, because she’s more like the white big boss. (Um, really? If that’s the kind of discrimination you’re facing, can I move to your company? And not to stereotype Europeans, but some of the ones I’ve met feel perfectly comfortable pulling the corners of their eyes to convey “Asian.” Just saying.)

The part I read for required an English accent, which I cannot do. At home, we speak in a really bad Cockney accent. It’s really stupid, but Husband and I yell at each other like we’re Michael Caine selling luxury jaguars with every English slang word we can think of. So I’m doing the dishes and I’ll yell out “BLIMEY! IT’S BECKHAM’S CORNER! JAGUAR! SCONE!” My friend Mike who can actually sound English said I ruined his handle on it by yelling at him in my fake-Cockney.

It actually takes time and work to master an accent, a true actor’s skill and it’s something I’ve never attempted. (Mom says I sound like an American trying to do an English accent, but when I asked her to try one, she said she could only do her own. Huh.), but what the heck, I had the time to go, so I played Husband’s English accent CD, went over the copy, lined Dad up to watch Baby, while I went in and did my thing. We lined up four at a time and I lost before I even opened my mouth. They had actual English people there, so when the camera rolled, I stood next to the dude with the booming, beautiful, real English accent, and my voice kind of died in my throat. I mean, I did my sad imitation, but it was just no contest. It was like auditioning for American Idol next to Kelly Clarkson. Slaughter.

Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

2 Replies to “audition”

  1. Still, I would have like your audition better. Especially if you yelled out, “Crikey! Fish & Chips! Irish Spring! Throw another shrimp on the barbie!”

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