You know, sometimes on bad days, I wish I could come back in the next life as a dog or a turtle. That just seems not as a hard as being human sometimes, unless you’re a pet of one of my friends or family.

I was hanging out with Alex and Kurt last weekend and we couldn’t stop laughing about these horrific stories (we’re a dark bunch.) Several of Alex’s gerbils met a dark and violent end. One died when his mom was vacuuming. She was just waving the vaccum under the couch or whatever, and then, all of sudden, the vaccum went WHOMP. Another died when his mom didn’t know the gerbil was hanging out in the Murphy Bed, and she shut it, and the thing went into the next life with fifth percent of its body.

My cousin Ed had a hamster when we were kids, and we used to let it run around the house at midnight when we were bored and find it behind my uncle’s record collection. He died b/c Ed forgot to give him water, but Ed was like five or something, so I blame my aunt and uncle. Ha ha. More than once, Jaws would accidentally race down the stairs in his Hamster Ball. Speaking of stairs, that happened to Husband’s turtle Shelvin too. When he lived in the Bronx, he and his roommate kept an eye on him as best as they could b/c they lived at the top of a pretty long stair case, but you know, inevitably, there was one day where they heard a series of quickening clunks, and Shelvin was on the first floor in a heart beat. The fella coughed up a little blood, but Husband insists he went on to live a very fulfilling life.

I never had a pet. I wanted a dog for about a month when I was kid, but Dad steadfastly refused b/c he knew in the end it would be his job to mind the dog. He was right. With an owner like me, that dog would have probably ended up flea-infested, at a bar somewhere in Jersey, complaining about life.


Ugh, I really, really hope this guy wins. No candidate is perfect, but enough with the Republicans putting our civilization back a generation! Please Oprah! Make it happen!


Husband and I both had auditions yesterday for TV stuff, so it was a pastiche of short, random lines. His parts were for a Boat Captain, a Cop, Camera Man, and EMT Guy. Mine was Rich, Asian Business Lady.

His were:
–Mrs. Ryan, we have to go.
–I can’t find a pulse.
–I have to pick up a package.
–Hands off the camera!

Mine was:
–Jack, introduce me to this charming young woman.

When I made him do his lines at home, I couldn’t stop laughing, mostly because on some level, I am FOUR.


I was hanging out with Husband last night at the U.S. Open and they played some heavy metal song that was vaguely familiar to me.

Me: Oh my god, is that slayer?
Husband: Metallica.
Me: What are they saying in the chorus?
Husband: “Exit Light, Enter Night.”
Me: Oh. I always thought they were saying “Amstel Light, make it right.”

And then he just looked at me like I was an alien. Whatever. Amstel Light is a good beer.

The Cho Show

I saw it and love it, though the NY Times article on her gives away almost every single joke. The plot of the first episode revolves around Margaret’s conflicted feelings of accepting an award for “Korean of the Year” by KoreAmJournal, who apparently trashed her as the worst thing to happen to Koreans since the DMZ Zone. (Ouch.) She talks a lot about not fitting in with Hollywood and the Korean community, too Asian for one and not Asian enough for the other. (Just like junior high school…except not on the supernova level.) And I have a question, is there any Korean American kid who doesn’t feel rejected by the Korean community? I mean, I guess maybe if you’re totally stunning, thin, and an Ivy League-educated banker or lawyer or doctor, this might be a foreign concept. By the way, her folks are on the show and are amazingly good sports. She makes fun of them left and right, and so thoroughly, that I’m impressed they’re still speaking. one of the more innocent jabs is how they always wear vests. But beyond the jokes, dude, she’s a war veteran to survive 20 years in Hollywood as an atypical beauty, etc., and the first episode is. pretty good! A lot of gay and Korean stuff on this one. Oh yeah.

Also, reviewers keep calling her parents “conservative Korean parents.” Um, she asks them about their recreational drug use, she’s naked in front of them, and at one point told them she was going to put them in a home if they were going to ground her, and her parents just laughed. That is not conservative Korean parent behavior. Just saying.

Critics are savaging the show, but sometimes it feels like critics are these cantankerous geriatrics who like lie at home in the fetal position sucking their thumbs, thinking about how much the world sucks, and then they write their review.

And another thing — I just got a spam message from “lesbian grandam grandma.” Nice.

Are the Olympics like the SATs?

I only ask b/c it’s just one moment of your life, not an assessment of your effort overall. With the Olympics, you train for your life for a minute-long race — is it really a true measure of your talent? How can you perform in one random moment and have it dictate everything else? That kind of pressure would make me hurl.

Speaking of hurling, I watched the Olympics last night and watched two Gold favorites — Lolo Jones and Sanya Richards — choke right before the finish line. I freaked out and had to walk away from the TV. After their HUGE losses, both ladies showed a lot of class and good sportsmanship, remaining extremely positive in interviews in the face of whooping disappointment. Me? Pretty sure I’d be in the fetal position in the track, bawling my eyes out, escorted out of the field via stretcher. They are TOUGH.

my sad inner teenage life

I was not expecting much when I picked up this up, and by “this” I mean “Twilight” by Stephenie Meyer. (Mom was one of the people who first mentioned it to me, saying “oh yeah, she’s a 29-year-old Mormon housewife who never wrote before and her books are NY Times bestseller.” And I was like “Oh really? She can suck it.”)

But something happened to me during my quest to be a published Young Adult writer — I have regressed and have become completely HOOKED on YA books. It’s sad really. It’s like whatever they ladle out, I smack my lips and eat it up. “Twilight” is an unabashed high school romance where the girl gets a crush and can’t wait for Monday so she can see him again — but this time the crush is a HOT VAMPIRE!!! I read this stuff to the point where I neglect the Husband, the Job, the Housework. Eeek!

reality shows

Did anyone know that reality shows were going to be such a big and permanent part of our reality? I remember that movie “Truman Show” directed by Peter Weir where Jim Carrey plays a guy’s life is shaped to be content for a reality show, and that felt kind of sci-fi-y and over the top to me. No way, i thought would someone live in front of the camera.

But then after all those game-style shows (and by game, I don’t mean “Jeopardy,” but like “Survivor” and the “Dancing with the Stars”) it felt like a new crop of completely boring, mediocre celebs was born. I remember hearing how reality programming meant lots of talent not getting to work — writers, actors. Instead, we have people like Omarosa from that “You’re fired” show (the name of which escapes me, you know, the one with Trump). Then the biopic shows came around — Flava Flav, the Osbornes, Kathy Griffin (which I love, love, love, love) came around, where the people aren’t even playing games but just living their lives in front of the camera.

“The Hills” is, of course, a very famous one of those biopics that’s made MTV a kajillion dollars, and turned Lauren Conrad into a millionaire fashion designer. Her line is supposed to be very mehhh. And I totally agreed with the consensus, that these newbies were stinkers and seem to be handsomely rewarded for being just kind of middle of the road. I mean, Lauren Conrad is very pretty but otherwise unremarkable and yet she makes enough money to live frugally for the rest of her life? Just saying. I have since changed my mind after reading the Entertainment Weekly interview with her, where she says that sometimes she wakes up in the middle of the night and thinks she’s being filmed. She may not be talented per se, but she’s given a TV show full access to her personal life, her relationships and friendships — which seems like a NIGHTMARE and makes a million seem like a pittance. I think I’d do it for a million each for me and my pals and my family and then require electro-shock therapy so that I would have something to distract me from the fact that I was always being watched. Creepy.

olympics bs

What the hell is this? A group of professional athletes making fun of Asians? (Read the hard-hitting journalism here.) There are a few things that piss me off — racism, sexism, and people who don’t give up their subway seats for old/pregnant peeps. I’m fairly annoyed right now. I could turn into Asian Angry Man blog if they keep this BS up. People! If you want to be a racist, can you do it with your inside voice, IN PRIVATE? Does everyone have to know about what a douchebag you are? To make matters worse, these losers are saying they were forced to make the “Asian caricature face.” Really? Like someone was holding a gun to your head? Thank you.

renee zellweger

At this party tonight, we were chatting about celebrities, analyzing them to death. (So FUN.) I asked whether Tom Cruise or Winona Ryder can ever recover their career greatness again, and the answer was no on both accounts. Unless Winona can star in some indie, low-budget arthouse runaway hit, she will not make it back, and honestly, she’s still beautiful, but she’s not a good actress and so that fate seems unlikely. I thought maybe if she did something “risky” like dulling her beauty in a star vehicle in a tasteful remake of “Stone Pillow” (a hard-hitting, early 80s TV movie starring Lucille Ball as a homeless woman in the West Village who lucked into gourmet handouts daily, and if you can’t tell, I’m totally being sarcastic about the “hard-hitting” part). Or you know, how every actor likes to play a mentally retarded person to prove their mettle? That could work. Sean Penn, that woman from “Sid and Nancy,” Ray Liotta (I think) have all tucked their t-shirts in high-waisted pants and slapped on a backpack on their way to stardom. As for Tom, the Scientology is his downfall and limited talented (he’s outgrowing the winner-fratboy schtick and hasn’t found a replacement.) Does Hollywood just like ruin people? Totally, and it’s so fun to talk about.

The other name we tossed about was Renee Zellweger. In general, I don’t care for her. She generally is over-the-top, indicates. Like “Jerry Maguire”? Painful to watch “I love him, Laurel!” (Hurl) or her sterroid-puff cheeks in “Chicago.” I know she won that Oscar for “Cold Mountain,” but DUDE, what was up with her accent? (“Number Oooooonnnnne and Number Twoooooowhah.”) It was insane, pumped up Ozark thing that put her in a different movie from Nicole Kidman and Jude Law. BUT before I completely eviserate this celeb, I happened to catch “Bridget Jones’ Diary” tonight on cable, and she’s GREAT in this flick. Her accent makes sense, her timing/comedy is subtle and underplayed, rather than insecure, melodramatic BS. She completely gets how to play the humiliation of the character and is completely likeable. And she looks cute chubby! A good performance from that Crazy Factory called Hollywood! Yay!